40 Tips For A Better Life.... and they are so simple.
Sent to me by a dear and wise friend.

#20. Don't take yourself so seriously - no one else does.
Work towards a healthy ego.

Article: What Does a Healthy Ego Have to Do With Self-esteem?

BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT

Explore whether the pursuit of self-esteem can be a goal in itself, or whether it is the consequence of a life lived consistent with one's ideals.

Exploring the Concept of Self-esteem

When I originally wrote on this topic for another website, I called the article "Affirmations for Self-esteem." Then I heard a program about "self-esteem" on National Public Radio in which psychologists and behavioral experts discussed the overuse of that term. This struck a note with me, because I think too often people have used self-esteem as a goal in itself, when it is actually a byproduct of an industrious life.

Certainly we seem to be enamored of the term, for if you ask Google to search for "self-esteem," you get 778,00 links. (For what it's worth, self-control gets you 295,000 links and self-respect 188,000.) Some sites like The National Association of Self-esteem (NASE) define self-esteem as "The experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness." Other sites take the position that "a person's performance will not exceed his/her Self-esteem." They tend to express the idea that feeling good about yourself is being good. Yet if self-esteem is just about feeling good about ourselves, then an excess of that sense of self-rightness results in narcissism, conceit, arrogance, superiority, and intolerance of the frailties of others.

In my experience, and I imagine in yours, I've known people who don't think highly of themselves yet perform nobly both in the face of great challenge and in the drudgery and weariness of daily responsibilities. Conversely, convicted felons frequently feel quite proud of themselves. So if someone views his sense of self, his self-esteem, as a feel-good phenomena, he may not necessarily contribute to a more productive society.

According to one of the NPR panel members, in one school students were asked if they thought they were good at getting along with others. 100% of them said they were better than the average student. Perhaps they lived in Garrison Keillor's home town of Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.

In any case, to the extent that healthy or authentic self-esteem is applied to people who "trust their own being to be life affirming, constructive, responsible and trustworthy," I heartily encourage that kind of self-evaluation. I also agree with NASE that "we need to develop individuals with healthy or high self-esteem characterized by tolerance and respect for others, individuals who accept responsibility for their actions, have integrity, take pride in their accomplishments, who are self-motivated, willing to take risks, capable of handling criticism, loving and lovable, seek the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals, and take command and control of their lives."

As I consider the arguments for and against a focus on self-esteem, I've decided to use the phrase "healthy ego," which includes, in part, self-esteem in the best sense of that word.

Affirmations We All Need for a Healthy Ego

Did you have a perfect childhood? I didn't. My parents weren't ogres, but like most people I know (and probably all of my clients), there would have been far fewer problems over the years (and I'd have spent a lot less money in therapy) if they had given me the affirmations I needed for a healthy ego. For with a healthy ego, people are best able to become strong, loving, valuable, contributing members of society, both in work and in relationships. That's a big order, but it's the foundation for what is often called "emotional intelligence."

Fortunately for parents and caregivers, they don't have to convey these concepts to children in one dose. Rather, they can do it in a thousand ways as they offer words of encouragement and affirmations appropriate to the stages of development through which a child moves. Consequently, the child is able to gradually incorporate these traits into her personality and character as she drinks her milk and eats the toast her parents prepare for her breakfast.

Initially, during the first three stages of growth, from birth to three years, she needs to hear and experience, often just through gentle, supportive touch, encouraging affirmations for being, doing, and thinking, since those tasks are needed for early growth. Then the needed affirmations become more complex during the three stages of childhood from three years through the teens -- affirmations for power, structure, separation, sexuality and identity.

Conveying these affirmations is a big order for parents. Of course, for those who learned these things in their own growing up, it's easy to pass on what they know about being a strong, loving, valuable, contributing member of society. If they missed some concepts along the way, it's more difficult.

Fortunately, it's never too late to learn, or to review, these messages. That's because life isn't a linear, steady progression upward with no chance for corrections and additions. Rather, life is like a spiral. We learn some things as we go through childhood and later, when we are older, we have an opportunity to revisit the lessons we missed for being, doing, thinking, power, structure, separation, sexuality and identity.

Sometimes, even if you have heard these messages as a child, you may need to be reminded of them. You can grow up again, so to speak, by giving yourself the affirmations you missed — and then passing them on to your children.

To read these essential affirmations for a healthy ego, see Affirmations for Self-respect and Self-control

© Copyright 1993, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT
SOURCE: Support 4 Change.